Scully's Diary
by in luv with svu and sg1
Summary: "I know I'm not actually talking to you and you'll never actually see these words but it helps to pretend sometimes." Scully knows the only way to get through her pregnancy without Mulder is to write to him every night in her journal. Sounds a lot cheesier than it is.
1. Chapter 1

**Setting:** Takes place directly after the last episode of season 7 (so right after Mulder was abducted)

**Disclaimer:** In case you were wondering, no, I do not own X Files :P

**A/N:** It's been a few months since I've posted anything so I'm sorry if anyone missed me. lol. I'm usually writing Stargate and this is my first X Files story so I'm sorry if it's a little OOC but remember that these are Scully's inner thoughts and feelings. I believe she puts on a little bit of a show when she's around people, trying to convince them she's "one of the guys" and in these personal letters to Mulder she can let her guard down and express her true feelings, knowing he, nor anyone else, will ever read them. With all that said please read and review :)

Mulder,

It's 2 a.m. and I can't sleep, there's just too much on my mind. I've tried everything but nothing's helped, this is my last resort. I'm so confused and I've got all these conflicting feelings. I don't know what to do, I know I should talk about it but you're the only person I want to talk to no, you're the only person I can talk to, you're the only person that would understand and wouldn't think I'm crazy. Hell, even I think I'm crazy. I don't just want to talk to you, I _need_ to talk to you. Why did this have to happen now? I'm so scared, Mulder. I need you here, I need you to tell me it will be ok, I need you to help me through this, I need you to sit here and hold my hand, I need you to hold me like that night in Oregon. _I need you_. I know you'd know what to say, I know you'd know what to do. You always know what to do. I admire that about you, I admire so much about you. I know I don't say that enough, but it's true. And you have this… _presence_ almost, you keep me calm. Just knowing you're near brings this calmness over me. I can't explain it (there seems to be a lot of things I can't explain these days.) But when I'm with you, something feels so right and I know everything will be ok in the e-

**A/N:** I realize that quote from the summery wasn't actually in the story and that usually drives me nuts when authors do that but I promise it is actually in the story but not 'till a way later chapter. I just thought it was a good summery of her feelings. I also realize this chapter is short (and most the other chapters are too) so I'll try to upload a couple at a time and update frequently but I just started college and you know how busy that can be. Like I said before please review, I love to know that people are reading the stories I worked so hard on. Plus I'm more motivated to update when I have more review :P Jeez I think my author notes are longer than the chapter. LOL! I promise to write less (or at least shorter) a/n's in the future chapters :)


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** One last thing I forgot to say last time is that you may realize during the coarse of the story that Scully is pregnant much longer than she should be but that's because i wanted to matching it up with the timing of the show (like how long he's gone and stuff) and that's how long she's pregnant in the show. So the timing is all correct and the first few chapters kinda coordinate and talk about things that happened in the first couple episodes after he was missing but after that the chapters don't always match up with the episodes that were going on at that time because it would have been impossible to match up the timing of each episode and know the exact dates. So please excuse that but I know for sure he's gone the correct amount of time and her pregnancy lasts the right amount of time and he comes back on the correct date. And once again my authors note is longer than the chapter so I'll upload another one or two today :) as always please review (even if you don't like it I'd like to know what I'm doing wrong or what I can do better)

Day 2

I had a nightmare about you. You were in so much pain. It terrified me. I hate to think of you in pain. I keep telling myself it was only a dream. I fell asleep thinking about you, write to you. I'm trying to convince myself that's why you were in my dream, because you were my last thoughts before I fell asleep, but it's not working. I'm so worried about you. I wish I could be there for you. You've helped me through so much and I owe so much to you. I wish I told you that more often, I wish I told you so many things. When I think about not seeing you again and not being able to tell you those things- But I'm going to find you and I'm going to tell you. I'm not going to say it in this journal because I'm going to say it to youwhen I find you. I will find you.


	3. Chapter 3

Day 3

I fell asleep in your bed. I know it sounds creepy but it wasn't. The bed smelled like you, it was so comforting. I closed my eyes and for a second convinced myself it was you I was smelling. Just for a second I believed that you were there telling me everything would be ok. As it turns out that second was just long enough to relax me enough into falling asleep. I've realized the only way for me to get through this is with you. I'm going to write you a letter in this journal every day until I find you and when I find you I'm going to tell you all the things I've been too scared to tell you before. I just need to be patient, I know soon enough I'll have you back.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So I haven't gotten any comments yet and I'm really worried that means no one has any positive feedback about the story. I know Scully sounds a little (ok a lot) ooc but I'm trying to fix that. I waited to start publishing this until I was finished writing the whole thing and took a while to write enough diary entries to cover the whole year he was gone. So I wrote these early chapters a while ago and I'd like to think I'm getting better at keeping the character now that I've written so much more than I had when i first wrote this chapter. I'm trying to edit the chapters before I publish them to make them more in character but I'm wondering if it's worth it since no one seems to be liking the story :( Which sucks cuz if no one is enjoying it I don't want to keep updating it and that really sucks cuz it took a long time to write. Anyway sorry if I sound like a whinny baby obsessed with comments, cuz I'm really not, I just want to know what people are thinking and if it's worth continuing to add chapters. With all that said please enjoy (and review) the next chapters (I'll upload 2 since once again the AN is longer than the chapter, sorry about that) :**P

Day 4

When I wake in the morning before I even open my eyes I say a quick a prayer. I pray that when I do open my eyes we'll still be in that cheap motel in Oregon. You'll be here with me and I'll be safe and secure wrapped in your arms. I pray that these past few days have been a dream that is finally over. Then I open my eyes, you're still gone and my real life nightmare continues. Again I say a prayer. This time that the nightmare ends soon and we find you today. And at night after the day is done and you're still not here I pray again. I pray when I wake up in the morning you'll be here and things will be ok again. Then I pray if it's not His will for you to be back yet that He'll grant me strength to make it through tomorrow. And finally before closing my eyes and trying to get some sleep, I pray one more for you to return quickly. I just wanted you to know how ever far away you may be you're still in my thoughts and on my heart constantly.


	5. Chapter 5

Day 5

After all these years working on the x files, I've seen and went through some scary things, but not having you here and not knowing when, or if, I'll get you back is by far the scariest. Through all those things I clung to logic, religion, and science to get me through them, but mostly I clung to you. With you there I could face anything.

But now you're gone. I don't know what to do and I don't know what to think. I thought I saw you today, I did see you today. But it wasn't _you_. He looked just like you. I wanted him to be you. But he wasn't you, and that's how I know for sure that _they_ have you.

**A/N: Just to refresh your memory at the end of the first episode and into the next one after Mulder goes missing there is an alien bounty hunter morphed to look like him for a while and that's what this chapter is referring to.**


	6. Chapter 6

Day 6

I guess it's time to tell you this,

I'm not sure why I've even waited this long to write it, it's not like you're going to read this anyway.

And yet I feel like I need to be poetic in the way I tell you this.

I don't know why I find it so hard to say this but…

I'm expecting a child.

I'm thrilled and excited, ecstatic really, but I'm also so worried. It's weird because I've wanted this for so long and now that it's actually happened I don't know what to think. I don't understand how this happened and to be honest I'm not sure I want to know how this happened. I'm not afraid to admit it, Mulder, I'm scared.


	7. Chapter 7

Day 7

I'm in the hospital again. Something's wrong with the baby. I'm scared. I can't lose this baby. Can you imagine finally getting what you want and then having it ripped from you right away? I'm sorry I can't write anymore tonight. I'm too worried.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Ok I'm sad now. I still don't have ANY reviews. Seriously could just 1 person tell me their thoughts so far? I put a lot of work into this and I was hoping for a little feed back...**

O**k I'm done with my complaining for the day. Please read and enjoy [And review ;)] :)**

Day 8

The baby is healthy, from what they can tell. But then again what's healthy for a baby who medically shouldn't be here at all? I know I should be more worried about how it got here and why it's here, but every day I feel more and more attached to it, I feel my love grow more every day. I know you'll understand when you get to meet it, but I'm scared of when that will be. You've been gone a week now and it's beginning to set in, you might be gone for quite some time. Agent Doggett promised me he'd get you back, but what if we can't do it in time. I don't want to give birth to my child, our child, without you here.

Oh yeah, Mulder, you're the father. I was waiting to tell you in a better way, that's why I didn't say it before, but I figured what's the point? Plus I needed to tell someone and you're really the only person that can understand. I don't even understand, but I know it's a miracle from God. I also know if you were here you'd try and tell me I'm wrong about God. You'd probably blame aliens or the government or the men that gave me cancer, but you're wrong, Mulder. God gave us this child, not those monsters.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:** So I've been a whiny baby in my author notes and I apologies for that. I actually did get a couple reviews but my life got kinda crazy for a while and I neglected my fanfics. Hopefully things will calm down now and I can get back to posting more regularly. To make up for abandoning this story so long I'm going to upload 5 more chapters tonight and hopefully a couple more tomorrow.

Day 9

It looks like Doggett and I will be working together until you return, one more reason to want you back asap.


	10. Chapter 10

Day 10

I've been having more dreams of you. They feel like so much more than dreams, so real. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe they are more than dreams, maybe I'm having visions of you. Maybe somehow this baby is connecting us, telepathically or something, I don't know how. Maybe just maybe I can use this to find you. Maybe….


	11. Chapter 11

Day 11

I was talking to Doggett today and I saw this look on his face that seemed all too familiar. It was the exact same look I used to give you when you'd explain some x file to me and try and convince me it was a ghost or a demon or whatever. It was the look I would give when I thought you were nuts and now I'm getting it. People are looking at me like I'm nuts. Just a few years ago I would have thought you were crazy to tell me I'd be the one suggesting aliens, but now it's the only logical answer.


	12. Chapter 12

Day 12

I've been thinking a lot about these dreams. I really think they're visions. I'm trying to control them, trying to look around the room you're in, trying to see the people you're with. I know I can use them to find you if only I could control them.


	13. Chapter 13

Day 13

I dreamt about you again last night, that's not new I've dreamt of you every night since you've been missing, what is new is what happened in the dream. Normally I see you in pain, being tortured by whoever/whatever has you. But last night, well, I'm not sure how to say this. I guess I could just be straight forward. Last night instead of a dream it was more of a memory. A very _vivid_ memory of the night we made love. I remembered every last detail of that night, the clothes scattered around the room, the embarrassment when your neighbor pounded on the wall, the way I felt so secure laying in your arms after. I have to admit, after seeing you tortured night after night, it was nice to dream of something more pleasant.


	14. Chapter 14

Day 14 

Had the same dream as last night but it ended differently this time. Instead of sneaking out after you fell asleep, this time I stayed. Instead of telling you I was lonely and desperate, I told you the truth this time. And instead of pretending it never happened and letting things go back to normal, we talked about it this time. We were happy this time. Then we may have made love another time (or two). And even though this was a good dream (a really good dream) I woke up feeling sad, not only because that's not what happened and because I messed that up, but because it was a dream and not a vision. I'm afraid our link is going away. I think I'm losing you what tiny part of you I have left.


	15. Chapter 15

Day 15

What if I'm not losing you, what if this baby is linking us and before I was seeing you but now I'm seeing what you're dreaming. If you really are being tortured like I'm seeing, it would make sense you'd think back to a better time try and escape reality. Maybe somehow I'm seeing what you're seeing. Instead of our link getting weaker maybe it was just getting stronger. Maybe in a few nights I'll be able to communicate or something, maybe I can find a way to save you. Just hang in there a few more nights.


	16. Chapter 16

Day 16

I think I took a step backwards, I dreamt of you being tortured again. I've been doing a lot of research on dreams and things like this. I know we have a connection I just need to figure out how to control it.


	17. Chapter 17

Day 17 

Agent Doggett found out about my dreams, he thinks I've gone off the deep end. But he doesn't know about our miracle, our baby is connecting us. I just know it. And our baby is trying to save you. I'm going to save you.


	18. Chapter 18

Day 18

Today marks two and a half weeks. And for the first time in that two and a half weeks I didn't dream. I didn't dream of you being tortured, I didn't dream of us making love, I didn't dream of you, I didn't dream at all. I don't know what this means. I'm scared. I miss you.


	19. Chapter 19

Day 19

I didn't dream again. But I don't think we lost our connection, I don't think we ever had one. It was wishful thinking or something. I don't know how I got so carried away in it, they were just dreams. I think I was just so scared at the thought of losing you I let myself believe anything that meant I hadn't lost you.


	20. Chapter 20

Day 20 

I miss you so bad it hurts. It's getting harder and harder to write you each day. Every time I think about writing something I remember you're still not here, it's approaching 3 weeks. I'm trying to be real and prepare myself but I can't give up on you yet.


	21. Chapter 21

Day 21 

3 weeks. Everything's getting real, including these pregnancy hormones. I'm sorry but I'm too emotional to write anything else tonight.


	22. Chapter 22

Day 22

Agent Doggett and I are working on other cases. It seems so wrong without you. And him constantly doubting me, trying to use flawed logic, it's such a pain in the ass. I was never that bad right? Well I'll add that to things to tell you when you get back, sorry for being such a pain when the truth to so many cases was so obvious.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N:** I uploaded 10 chapters tonight since they're so short. Let me know what you think so far :)

Day 23

I finally had a dream last night. It wasn't a vision or a memory, just a plain old dream. But it was a good dream. You were home safe and sound. I don't know how you got back you just were, we were watching a movie and eating pizza when you found this diary. You laughed when you read my theory about a special dream connection. Then you held me tight and said you'd never let me go, you said you'd never leave me again, I'd never have to sleep alone again. Then I woke up to find the only other thing in bed with me was the shirt I stole from your house. I don't know if I mentioned it in my other letters to you or not but I stole your shirt. It smelled so much like you. It was the only way I could get to sleep at night. By now it's lost its smell but I can't seem to sleep without it, it's kind of like my security blanket. I know it's weird but so is everything else in my life, and it's the only thing that comforts me lately.


	24. Chapter 24

Day 24

I had a check up on the baby, it's doing fine. From everything they can see it's perfectly healthy. I'm relieved but also scared. I know this is our little miracle but I can't help but worry about how this happened. Was it God or was it someone, or something, else? What if the people gave it to us want it back after it's born? What if you never get a chance to meet our child? I'm tearing up from these thoughts. Please hurry home, for me and our baby.


	25. Chapter 25

Day 26

I am so sorry that I didn't get to write yesterday. I feel like I forgot about you, or let you down. I promised to write everyday and I missed a day. I feel like you would be disappointed, I made a commitment to write to you every day and I didn't. Please forgive me.


	26. Chapter 26

Day 27

I'm so sick. I am tired all the time and I'm constantly throwing up, not sure if it's morning sickness or the flu. I told Doggett I had the flu, I'm not ready to tell him the truth. I haven't told anyone but Skinner, I'm not ready for all the rumors and having to explain how this happened. And what am I supposed to say when they ask who the father is? I'm going to keep the whole thing a secret as long as I can. Maybe I can just convince Doggett this whole trimester is the flu. I know the flu, and eventually loose clothes, are only a temporary solution but it will have to do for now. I don't know what else to do.


	27. Chapter 27

Day 28

Still miserable. When I called Doggett today to tell him I wasn't coming in, I was half expecting him to bring me chicken noodle soup like you always did when I was sick. You always took such good care of me and now when I need you most...

But I'm sure chicken noodle soup would just make the morning sickness worse anyway.


	28. Chapter 28

Day 29

Feeling better today, so that's good. I think I had the flu and morning sickness. I feel strange writing about this boring stuff but I'm not sure what else to say. I've been writing to you every day for a month and there's not much to talk about. So I'll continue to write about the boring stuff. I guess it doesn't matter what I'm writing, just as long as I'm writing.


	29. Chapter 29

Day 30

Last night I dreamt about you again, first time in a week. You were screaming. You were screaming for me. I woke up crying. I instinctually called you, I didn't want to be alone. It wasn't until I got your voicemail, until I heard your voice again, that I remembered.

**A/N: I think that's a nice depressing spot to stop for the night. I uploaded 6 chapters tonight and hopefully I'll add more tomorrow**


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N: Sorry I've been taking so long to update. Here's a couple more chapters more to come soon :) **

Day 31

1 month today. I've done a lot of crying and praying today. I called your house again. I wanted to hear your voice on the answering machine. It was bitter sweet, I heard you again, but it wasn't really you. How cliché, I know. I took a new shirt when I was feeding your fish today. I didn't mean to take it, I only meant to return the old one. But when I went in your room to put it back, I couldn't help it. All of your clothes still smell like you. I miss you so much.


	31. Chapter 31

Day 34

It's been over a month and I still can't write without crying. I've sat down to write this so many times in the past few days but I couldn't write anything. I can't stop writing or I'd feel like I'm giving up. I'm not giving up on you, I'll never give up, but I think I need to cut down the frequency at which I write. Maybe I'll do every other day instead of everyday. I get too emotional when I write to you. I can't keep pouring my heart out like this, I know you understand. I promise this is not me giving up on you.


	32. Chapter 32

Day 36

I'm trying to tell myself "it's been over a month they have to return you soon" and "no one has been abducted this long before" but I know I'm lying to myself. I'm really starting to worry that I might not see you ever again and you might not ever see our child. Fight, Mulder, fight your way back to us.


	33. Chapter 33

Day 40

I'm sorry that it's been so long since I've said anything, there were issues with the baby but it's ok now. Don't worry I haven't forgotten about you I just left the journal at home while I was in the hospital. These last few days have left me too drained to say much more tonight but I couldn't go to bed until I told you I'm sorry and I'm still here.


End file.
